Now or Never
by POIphantomgirl
Summary: Finch prepares to go on a suicide mission and dismisses Reese in an attempt to get him out of the way. But John has other plans in mind which include saving Finch even at the cost of his own life. However while he waits for the perfect moment he decides to settle some unfinished business with Carter. I don't own.
1. Chapter 1

**So thanks to Fanfiction I learned that John dies in the final episode. This is my take on his death (if Carter had lived of course). It'll probably not resemble the show much since I haven't seen the later seasons. This is another one my ideas that's been partially written for a while and I just hadn't finished writing the rest of it. Thanks to Odalys-Ortiz for subtly giving me the push I needed to finish this. I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. Time got away from me and my life got pretty busy. Anyway I hope you all enjoy!**

Chapter 1

After five years of working together, the 'whatever this is' that was between them had yet to be defined. Even after taking a gun to the chest to save him, followed by the days he spent nursing her back to health. After one on one games with Taylor and the occasional dinner with the family. Or the few romantic birthdays spent at choice restaurants, that were never declared actual dates. After the occasional lengthy hug or the few times sweet, but short kisses slipped in, nothing had brought them closer to defining the 'this' in their relationship.

Until now.

Standing in the shadows of a dim alley, Joss digested the news John had just dumped on her. She blinked, swallowing slowly with an effort she prayed would keep down the contents of her stomach. But how could she calm down when John had admitted that he was sure he wasn't going to live through his next mission?

"So," she tried, "what are you saying?"

He didn't look at her. "Finch is going on a suicide mission. This is my chance to save his life. I'm not going to let him die this way."

"I know Finch. He's not going to just stand by and let you die for him."

"You're right. Which is why he gave me my walking papers yesterday."

Joss frowned. "He made you quit?"

John's head tilted in affirmation. "I need him to think I'm complying. I gave Shaw my phone and any device I owned connected to Finch. He won't be able to track me or listen in. Which is exactly what I want."

Joss nodded understanding now why he asked her to take out her phone's battery.

"I'm going to lie low for a week or so. Shaw promised to contact me when the time is right. Then I'm going to complete my final mission. And save his life."

Joss's jaw worked as she tried to find her voice. "If all you have to do is lie low and keep Finch from finding out what you're up to for a little while, then…why are you here now?"

He looked at her then. "I would never just leave you like that. I'd never leave you without a real goodbye."

The water building in her eyes caused the vision of his face to blur. So that's why he was here. To say goodbye. He had always been mission minded. She was used to it. Accustomed to his detached manner. But after all their time together, the years spent growing together, she expected more from him. She couldn't believe he was just going to leave her. And so abruptly. Maybe all this time she had been fooling herself about them.

"Besides," he took her hand cutting into her thoughts, "I wanted to spend my last few days with you." His voice was soft, gentle as a smile ghosted his lips. "And we have unfinished business."

"How do you expect me…I-I don't know what you want me to do. How am I supposed to get through the next week after what you just told me-"

"Joss," his voice dropped another octave, as he caressed her cheek. "Let's figure this out once and for all." His eyes closed briefly as he shook his head. Stepping closer to her. "I never wanted it to be this way. I always thought I'd start off telling you I was hanging up the suit. I thought I'd be able to promise you that you could have the rest of my life."

She searched the depths of his blue eyes not caring for the tears that started to fall. She was in shambles and he was throwing riddles at her. "John what are you talking about?"

She thought for a moment he was going to kiss her, as he leaned in. But he stopped short in order to rest his head gently against hers. "I want you to marry me."


	2. Chapter 2

The wide eyes and her dropped jaw had been expected. Her doubt had been expected. He had even expected her anger and accusations that he was 'toying' with her.

He had anticipated everything except her saying yes.

Once he pulled out the ring and confessed it was purchased eight months ago, she took him seriously. The accusations ceased and she threw caution to the wind with her answer.

Within forty-eight hours they were standing before a preacher, with only Taylor as a witness. John took a slow breath, his eyes glued to Joss as the man with the book spoke. Never once had there been any doubt in his mind that he wanted a life with Jocelyn Carter. Marrying her had been his goal. Fear of death, however and his risky job had always held him back. Made him delay asking. But he no longer had the option to delay. It was either now or never.

Eloping had never been part of his plan either, but time demanded they act swiftly. He was happy. Truly he was, but he was also miserable. This wasn't the dream he had pictured it to be. And although it was a huge relief to have Joss so willingly take this leap with him, he hated knowing that he was giving her the very things he had fought so hard to avoid. An uncertain future and a short life together.

Nothing about their elopement was fabulous or grand. John wore an old suit, and Joss wore a pale blue dress, with sheers sleeves. The hem falling below her knee. Her hair luscious with large curls. But even in her simplicity she was bewitching. A smile lit her face, but mixed emotions filled her eyes. He tried to disregard the sadness that peeked through. They both were making the best of what they had. And he was determined to make this moment a happy memory. Especially when he had such few happy memories in his life.

Beside them Taylor grinned not understanding the hovering weight of sorrow. Tearing his eyes briefly from Joss, John threw the kid a wink, grateful for his presence. Although things were rushed, John had determined there was no way he would live this moment without Taylor Carter present. But he hated to think of how the teen would react when he learned his mother was a widow after only a few days of marriage. Taylor would not know this marriage was temporary until it was over.

John forced those thoughts to the back of his mind, once more focusing on Joss.

"Until death…do us part." Joss stated firmly.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."

Without breaking eye contact John slowly lowered his head till his lips caressed hers. Joss stretched higher on her already arched feet, desperate to increase their contact. He squeezed her hands letting the moment overtake him. He was kissing his wife. He had a wife. A woman said yes to him. _This_ woman said yes to him.

"Alright break it up. Break it up. You're embarrassing the preacher."

Obeying Taylor's teasing voice John pulled back. Clearing his throat he turned and thanked the preacher.

"I still don't see the reason for the rush," Taylor said after. "You've waited this long what's a few more days? You don't even have a real wedding cake. Mom you don't even have a true wedding dress."

She gave her son the best smile she could muster up. "Some things after a while T just aren't important. This is enough."

He nodded still not understanding. Joss wrapped her arms around her son pulling him in for a tight hug and placing a kiss on his cheek.

Taylor's eyes popped. "Oh I almost forgot." He ran to an empty chair and picked up a paper bag that thoroughly hid the contents inside. "I picked it up John. Exactly the way you wanted." He passed the bag over to John a bright grin on his face as he looked up at him. "Things are going to be so much better now that you're family. Man I can't wait till Thanksgiving and Christmas. You'll see. Mom does it up on those holidays. Now you can help her out." Taylor gave him a hard hug.

For the first time since his early days in the CIA John struggled to hide his emotion. There'd be no Christmas. No events as a family. In truth this would probably be his last moment with the kid. Thankfully Taylor chose to pull back at that moment.

"I'm heading to Grandma's and I promise I won't blow the secret about you getting married behind her back. I'll see you honeymooners later."

John cleared his throat uneasily.

Knowing his thoughts, Joss's heart filled with sympathy. She longed to reach out to reassure him. She shook herself. What was stopping her? She no longer had to hold back with him. They had crossed the line. Reaching out she gently squeezed John's arm as he watched her son retreat.

John swallowed glancing at the small hand that rested against his arm. His gaze lifted to the face of the woman at his side. How could she know him so well? Understand his struggle and bring him comfort with such a simple gesture? Apparently, he had underestimated her powers of observation.

He covered her hand with his right as she called out to Taylor. "Night Taylor. We love you."

…..

"You look really beautiful," John observed. Words catching on the wind.

"I must. You haven't stopped staring at me all night." She rubbed his arm stepping closer to his body to ward off the nightly chill as they walked. She eyed the small bag he held in his free hand. John head yet to reveal its contents and although Joss was curious she refused to pry. For now she was content to walk beside him and enjoy the evening.

He brought them to a stop on a bridge before pressing her against the railing, his arms caged her in. Joss's chest heaved at his forwardness. Every kiss and touch they had shared in the past had been guarded with caution. John always kept the strictest grip on his self-control, but now it appeared he was ready to throw that mode of operation out the window. And Joss couldn't be more thrilled.

"You look very good tonight too. I can't believe you actually wore a tie. Isn't this a little standard for you?" she teased toying with the tie.

"I figured tonight was a good reason to make an exception," he replied his eyes twinkling.

"What's in the bag?" she questioned unable to hold off her curiosity any longer.

With a grin he lifted one arm holding up the mysterious paper bag. "Taylor had a point. There is one tradition we should take part in." He pulled out a wrapped cupcake. Its icing was smooshed to one side. "This is what Taylor meant by not having a proper wedding cake. I'm sorry it got messed up."

She smiled softly. "It'll be just fine," she assured unwrapping the cupcake. She pinched off a good piece and John mirrored her action. They fed each other the pieces they held.

"So tell me. How did you picture our married life?"

His eyes became wistful. "Already told you I wanted to hang up the suit." He fed her another piece. "I just wanted to take care of you."

She arched a brow.

"As much as you would let me," he added with a knowing smirk. "Joss I never saw anything big. I only wanted to give you all my time. To not have to worry about anything else other than making you happy."

The cupcake trickled down her throat.

"I also thought we could buy a house. Put in a wing for Taylor. Figured that way he wouldn't mind staying with us longer but could still have his space. Thought we could travel. Just for fun."

Joss's brow drew into a deep frown as he continued to speak. "How would we finance all of this? I wouldn't want to mooch off Harold forever you know."

"This may surprise you, but you've married a rich man. I always wanted to leave this life knowing that everything I possess would go to someone who means everything to me. Thanks to you that'll happen. All that I have is yours. You have enough to live off of for the rest of your life without having to return to work for one more day."

Joss's frown deepened, but he didn't give her time to digest the news.

"I'll go over the details of all that with you later, just not tonight." He leaned in again pinching off a piece of cupcake and feeding it to her. Taking a turn Joss grabbed a larger piece with loads of icing. She lifted it to his mouth. At the last minute she took her fingers and smooshed the cake against his lips and the corner of his mouth. Rearing back her laughter echoed across the bridge at his stunned face.

John stared at her like she had grown horns while embarrassment filled him at the thought of how ridiculous he must look. Who knew Detective Jocelyn Carter liked to prank? He tried wiping away the crumbs and icing, but he could tell he was only making it worse.

Stifling her laughter Joss took pity on him. "I'm sorry. It was just too easy. Here let me clean it off."

He was surprised when her soft hands came to his face and her finger tips began to gently brush off the cupcake crumbs and icing that had been smeared there. Instincts made his hands lift to push her away. Unaccustomed to letting someone care for him even in this small manner. The pleased look on her face made him stop his attempt to end the moment. With motherly care she cleaned his face, the gesture becoming endearing instead of insulting. He never let anyone take care of him, nor find him in an embarrassing position. But now, with Joss, letting her see him, a threatening ex assassin, with cupcake smeared on his face, and only her to clean it off was perfect.

To occupy his hands he touched her waist, pulling her closer, hands slipping more comfortably around her. John's eyes drifted shut and his hands touched the skin at her back that was left exposed by the dress. Slowly he began stroking her skin. His fingers drawing lazy circles. His eyes opened and he caught her gaze.

This woman was his. A posseviness as he had never experienced consumed his soul. Paul Carter may have loved her first, but he would love her last.

"There," Joss said, breaking the intensity of the moment. "You're decent again."

He continued to stare at her. Curling her fingers around his tie, Joss tugged his head down whispering softly just before their mouths met, "let's go home."

 **Thanks for all the reviews, you all are the best and I appreciate it. Also if you want to know what Joss's dress looks like it should come up if you search** ** _Taraji P. Henson_** ** _Chanel's Tribeca Artists Dinner_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there. Thank God for you all. You are priceless! Hope you have a great day.**

Chapter 3

John stretched beneath the covers as he eased from sleep. The pleasant warmth against his body brought a smile to his face as he recalled the previous night. He was waking up with Jocelyn Carter beside him. A dream that was now tangible. Carefully he peered down at her, his heart squeezing at the site of her asleep against his chest. It was a mystery being with her in this way. He was even more aware of her now than he had been before. More entranced with her beauty, more awed by her character. His protectiveness of her was heightened, his love for her deepened to another depth he didn't know existed.

Finally, he knew this level of love and happiness. Only now that he had found it he would soon be leaving her. Guilt pressed heavily to his chest. He tightened his arms around her, hoping to relieve the pressure that made breathing difficulty.

"John. Is there any other way?"

The soft words caught him by surprise. He had not realized she had awakened and was already sharing his thoughts. He didn't reply immediately, uncertain his voice could give the hopeless answer. His fingers ran over her back and shoulders.

"No. I'm sorry. I…Finch has worked too hard. If I don't save him, it will all go to waste."

Joss nodded against his chest.

Without warning. John flipped Joss onto her back showering her faces with kisses. Joss laughed surprised and delighted by his playfulness. John's fingers stumbled upon a ticklish spot against her ribs and stomach.

Joss chuckled. "Stop," she said grabbing his hand.

He paused. "You're telling me you're ticklish?"

"What do you think?"

He kissed her again and waited for her to release his hand before he found the ticklish spot again. Joss gasped fighting against him, which proved impossible as he pinned her down. She laughed uncontrollably as he ignored every threat that spewed from her mouth.

"Payback for your joke last night," he said.

She panted, gasping for air, "Please John. Please stop."

Finally relenting his hands stilled and she caught her breath. He lay beside her propping his head up on one hand, watching her as she sucked in air.

Joss turned toward him once her breathing steadied, intent on letting him have it, but the bright boyish smile that lit his eyes made her stop. That smile on a face so foreign to such joy, had the power to light her world. Who was this joyous playful man lying next to her? A man she would not have enough time to really get to know. Her fingers reached out touching his chin, questioning the smile's realness.

"You're happy?" His eyes gave the answer, but she needed to hear him say it.

He nodded. "More than I've ever been in my life."

…

The morning stretched and they finally made it out of bed. They made breakfast together. Nearly stepping on each other's toes as they worked closely together. To the naked eye, they would've looked as if they were dancing instead of trying to cook. They sat and talked while they ate, not rushing the time.

Late afternoon they had to handle some business for a short time. They sat at John's table where he spread out all the information to his bank accounts, savings, and possessions. Joss was overwhelmed by the numbers that were sitting in the accounts. She knew Finch paid well, but she hadn't expected for John to be wealthy as a result.

"Your name is now on all the accounts."

"You sure work quickly John." She scanned the information still trying to grasp it all. "Uh John," she grabbed a bank statement pointing to the account balance. "What is this money for?"

He glanced over a smirk appearing on his lips. "That's a college fund for Taylor. Finch gave a donation too."

Joss stared at the paper. College fund? There was enough to pay for her son's full tuition at any school in the U.S. Joss's eyes briefly closed. She couldn't believe all this time John had been doing this behind her back. For her son. "John… you didn't have-"

"If it makes you feel any better Finch has a fund for Lionel's son." He held a finger to his lips. "Don't tell Lionel yet."

She wasn't swayed by his attempt to down play his good deed. There was a defining difference between the two accounts set for the boys. _Finch_ had taken an account for Lee. Taylor's money was kept in account in _John's_ name with a _donation_ from Finch. John had been taking care of them before they even became his family.

Joss placed her hand gently over his drawing his attention. "You're a real family man. You know that right? You've hid it well, but the CIA didn't destroy that. I can't believe you kept this from me. All this time. I know you said you were afraid that if you had a family you would screw things up," she said referring to one of the many conversations they'd had while they lay in bed the previous night bearing their innermost secrets and thoughts into the earliest hours of the morning.

"John look." She waved her hand over the table. "You've been preparing for us for years. There was no reason for you to do any of this. Do you understand how much this means to me? You've been putting us first for a long time."

He shook his head. "No. If I really put you first, I would've quit so we could've been together before now."

Joss sighed wearily, shoulder's falling. "I'm not going to let you shoulder all the blame. For a year I delayed admitting how I felt because it was easier to dance around the line with you and never actually cross it. Look at the good that did. Now we're pressed for time. But I'll never regret marrying you John.

The only regret I have is not getting the chance to grow old with you."

If it weren't for the stillness in the apartment he wouldn't have heard the softly spoken words.

His brow hitched upward. "You thought that far ahead?"

"Of course. I wanted to be the one with you when your hair turned all gray. I wanted to take care of you, when you finally stopped taking care of the world. But…" She didn't finish as the words became stuck in her throat. Swallowing she blinked. "Anyway, what else do you need to tell me? What other possessions do I need to be aware of?"

He paused thinking. "Oh." He grabbed his keys which rested at the center of the counter, and separated a specific key. "This goes to my bike."

She hesitated looking at the key. "Oh! I forgot about that." He chuckled at the look of fear that passed through her eyes.

"You don't have to keep it Joss. Give it to Taylor."

"Over my dead body."

Another chuckle. He shrugged. "Well it's yours. You can sell it, whatever you feel comfortable with. But I said I was going to leave you everything. The things that mean something and the things that mean nothing."

She nodded. "I'll figure out what to do. Let's finish this up, I would like to spend the day with you doing something else."

…..

The moon stood high in the sky bathing them in its light. After the lengthy hours of the day they both finally ran out of words to speak. So they simply lay together. Joss resting in the crook of John's arm, while he leaned over her, hand caressing her face, searching the depths of her eyes. He was amazed at the truth they unveiled as he stared harder. He saw the love there. The regret that they had waited so late to make this move. The longing that their departure would not have to come. The heartache and fear in knowing that she would soon be alone again.

A tear slipped from her eye and John softly brushed it away, his chest tightening at the agony she was in. "Babe, don't cry," he whispered softly. Unbeknowst to him a tear was also making its trek down his cheek.

Joss reached up mirroring his action. "That's not fair. You can't cry and ask me not too."

He took an uneasy breath. He wished he could tell her how sorry he was. How deeply he regretted every single time he hesitated concerning their relationship. How he dreaded letting her go. He wished they could have just a little bit more time.

Joss's eyes closed as she nodded, as if he had spoken all his thoughts. Although he had not uttered a word, she knew it all. "I know John. I know." Her hand caressed his face as she slipped her hands into his hair.

Heart heavy he pulled her closer. She said she knew, but he wanted her to be convinced. Convinced that he took no pleasure in putting her through this. That he didn't delay making this step with her because he didn't love her enough. He was desperate for her to know. Slowly he leaned down, caressing her lips with his own. The kiss built and he took her more securely in his arms at last finding a way to convince her. A way in which words were not required.


	4. Chapter 4

**I considered combining this chapter with Chapter 3, but instead just decided to post them at the same time.**

Chapter 4

Waiting patiently Joss sat stiffly on the bed. Shaw had contacted John early in the morning. It was time. At any moment John would emerge and walk out of her life for good.

She wouldn't cry today. She wouldn't make this harder for him. Over the past couple days she had seen in his eyes the heavy guilt he carried and she didn't want to add to it.

John would never leave a job undone. He had put in hard years with Finch to ensure their purpose thrived. All that work couldn't go to waste. John Reese had one more assignment and she wasn't going to get in his way. It was only fair. He didn't get in her way when she pursued HR. He offered help, but he didn't get in her way. Because he understood when the call to stand and fight came it had to be answered.

Putting on her war face she buried her tears and misery to the deepest depths of her emotional pit.

The soft click of the doorknob announced John's appearance. Joss's gaze lifted. Black suit, white shirt, top buttons left undone, hair jelled, shoes shining. He looked every bit the man in the suit.

He spread his arms. "How do I look?"

She smiled despite herself. "You look like the man that put me on the wildest chase of my life."

He smiled back for a moment before all humor faded from his eyes. They continued to stare at each other. The silence stretched. Finally John took a step carrying himself to her he knelt down before her. Hands coming to rest on her thighs.

Joss caressed his face needing to touch him. "I can go with you."

"No," he said firmly, but gently. "You know you can't do that. You'll come out dead before you come out alive. I'm not going to do that to Taylor. And neither are you."

He was right of course.

Leaning closer he touched his head to hers. "In my last moments, I'll be thinking of you. Just know that." His hands moved to her waist.

"I know John."

"You're not going to run off with some other guy the second I'm gone are you?"

He made her smile at that. "You telling me you're going to be jealous even from the grave?" He r fingers splayed in the hair at the nape of his neck. "No John. I'm not going to get you out of my system for a long time. Probably never."

His lips pressed into hers for a moment before he pulled back. A second passed before he returned. Cupping his cheeks, Joss pulled him nearer. Without breaking contact John stood pulling Joss up with him. Their arms tangled as the kiss stretched. It was deliberately slow as they tried to commit it to memory for one final time. Slowly John pulled away, his eyes searching hers.

"I love you Jocelyn."

"I love you John."

Disengaging the mask she knew so well crept onto his face. He turned his steps echoing as he crossed the room. He paused giving her one last look before he continued his journey, this time without stopping. The door shut firmly, leaving Joss alone in the loft that suddenly seemed too barren. All she could do was stand. Unable to cry, unable to think. Emptiness crept its way inside her. Despair clinging to its heels.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for all the reviews. I feel so bad, and now I know I'm my own worst critic. I honestly didn't think this story would be so dark. The reviews have really helped me judge my writing a little more accurately. This story is so close to being done. Thanks again for the reviews and just for taking the time to read.**

He was delirious, the wound in his side causing him pain. He no longer could hear his enemies in pursuit of him. It was strange, he was certain they had been behind him as he stretched himself thin to reach the room Shaw instructed him to enter and secured the door. But now all seemed quiet.

The only thing left to do was wait.

John sighed and sat on the floor, positioning himself opposite of the door. He pressed his hands against the wound at his side. It wasn't so bad, but for some reason it seemed to pain him more than any other wound he had ever experienced.

He groaned loudly, giving into his agony. An agony not caused by the blood seeping from his skin.

Why had it come to this? He had to pick between saving Finch- his friend and being with the love of his life. He tried to satisfy both demands that were put on him in marrying Joss, but even now he felt empty. He had fallen short again. He had robbed Joss of so much and now he was going to leave her. When he promised she would never again be alone.

Why even when he tried his best did he still fail?

He leaned back hot tears falling. "God…" he breathed. "Please watch over Joss. I don't have a right to ask anything I know. But please. I took care of Finch. Take care of her. And Taylor. Please." He wept bitterly as thoughts of his pathetic life filled his mind. And memories of the sweet days with Joss soon followed. This was the ending he deserved. It had been a long time coming.

Suddenly John heard a loud commotion from without, the sound of walls crumbling, and loud desperate cries before a pain hit his head and he was plunged into darkness.

….

She knew losing John would be one of the least pleasant experiences of her life. But she never expected this. She could barely work, struggled sleeping, even became sick. After nearly two months since he left she received the worst and best news.

John Reese had left her with one more gift. His child.

He had given her something no other woman could claim. No other past love could lay hold on. His future. On one hand she was overwhelmed with joy that a piece of John, other than memories, would live on. The other hand was grief stricken at having to raise this baby alone. Of course she and the unborn baby would never have to want for anything. John had left them enough money to care for her, the unborn baby and Taylor until their deaths.

But her baby would never know his father. The two would never me. And what about John? Dying without even knowing he was leaving a child behind. Completely unaware of his baby's existence. It was torture.

Yet it was beautiful.

Her hand grazed her stomach, thinking for the thousandth time of all the things she had loved and lost. The tears all the while, trickling down her cheeks.

A buzz from her phone slowly brought her from her thoughts. Grabbing it her brow pinched at the unfamiliar number, and the number of texts that had come in.

Unlocking the screen she gasped at the image that stared back at her. It was a picture, slightly blurred of her and John. The night of their wedding. Caught just at the right moment as they fed each other a piece of the cupcake they had shared. In awe her thumb swiped bringing up another image of her smooshing the dessert against John's mouth. Her head thrown back in laughter and John's stunned look of surprise. The photo actually caused her to laugh as the happy memory returned. She continued swiping finding one picture after another from that night. Some were blurry, some were clear. They were from a distance. As if taken from one of the lampposts that lit the bridge.

Tears continued to fall mixing with the joy at the precious memories that had been caught from a mysterious camera that had been watching. She stared long and hard at the final picture of them walking off the bridge, hand in hand.

Sucking in a breath she tried to pull herself together. Although the pictures brought pain, it was a relief to have them. A constant reminder of good times. This was one time, she thanked God that Finch's super computer had been watching.

Gently she eased back to rest against the headboard. Her hand rubbed her stomach, where the slightest bump had started to form. The greatest gift John had left her. Not the money, but this life. Nothing else mattered save her two kids. It was time to focus on them.

She was going to quit her job. Thanks to John she now could. This baby had already lost his father for the greater good of mankind. She wasn't going to let her child lose his mother.

"We'll be alright," she said softly speaking to her unborn child as much as to herself. "We'll be alright."


	6. Chapter 6

"Shh baby it's okay," Joss cooed. She had forgotten how much work a newborn could be. Taylor proved to be her biggest help. Always there and always checking up on her. Fusco also pitched in to offer help even after she resigned from the precinct. He often joked that he feared if he abandoned John's woman that John would come back from the grave to haunt him.

It had been nearly a year since she had heard from any of her friends on the 'other side'. Finch and Shaw had gone quiet along with John. And she questioned if perhaps the success of the mission required their fatalities as well.

John.

Not a day went by that he didn't fill her thoughts.

Her baby boy let out a small fussy cry that drew her attention. His face tightened into a frown. Joss rocked him in her arms. "I know binky bear. I know," she soothed and he began to calm. "See? It's okay. You're just sleepy. We both stayed up too late last night. Didn't we?"

Her eyes floated around the loft as she rocked her son. After quitting the force she contemplated leaving New York all together, but changed her mind. She couldn't put Taylor through that transition when he was so close to finishing school. But then she also couldn't bring herself to leave it all behind. Leaving New York would be like leaving John. So she kept her brownstone and the loft. Often staying at the loft when Taylor spent weekends with his dad. Paul had been nice enough to let Bear tag along for those weekend stays. Which allowed Joss and her baby boy some time alone at the loft. She didn't need much space, not when it was just the two of them. And somehow being in the loft, made her feel a little better. A little closer to John.

She grinned seeing her baby had started to doze. Her baby was brown like her, but the spitting image of his father. How she wished the two could meet. Carefully she eased him down to the bed and slipped off when he didn't stir. He looked so peaceful. Already he and Taylor were proving to be quite the pair against her.

Her feet carried her quickly to the kitchen. She opened the fridge grabbing a cold bottle of water before firmly closing the door. Turning she jumped, her heart rate accelerating.

"Breathe, Joss. Breathe." She shut her eyes, while she made herself follow her own command. The image she saw of John had startled her. She wasn't asleep, but wide awake. Surely she had imagined seeing him just now. Prying her eyes open the image of John standing on the other side of the kitchen remained. The face was hesitant as 'his' eyes scanned her intensely.

She tsked setting the water on the counter. "You know, I haven't decided if I like you showing up. Dreams are one thing, but while I'm awake," she shook her head. "It makes me feel crazy. It took five months for me to stop thinking I was seeing you walk by in the street. Or standing somewhere in the distance. Now I'm starting again."

The image of John that stood tall suddenly appeared puzzled, leaving Joss to feel like a secret message 'he' was trying to decipher.

Joss's brow pinched. "What's with the clothes?" She questioned. "Usually you have your man in the suit gear on. I mean the black t-shirt and sweat jacket's okay just…different." She sighed heavily, fingers resting on the counter for support. She couldn't believe she was having this conversation. With something that wasn't even there. Something her mind wanted so desperately to believe in that she had created an image. "I miss you. I know you did what you had to, but I wish you were here."

When she looked up the image appeared to have moved closer. Joss swallowed seeing the softness in 'his' eyes. She was used to picturing a flirtatious John. Her eyes fell to the bed. "I wish you could meet binky bear- that's what I call him. He looks so much like you."

'John' frowned making Joss laugh.

"You know Paul and I tried for nearly a year for a baby. And you touchdown in three days."

'His' eyes darted between her and the bed they had shared for three nights. The bed where her bundle of joy, created during that time, now lay. 'John' swallowed uneasily eyes glossing over.

"So are you going to say something? Anything?"

'He' seemed to be without words. And for some reason it caused Joss's grief to resurface. "This," she wagged a finger, "this is what I hate about these dreams, hallucinations- whatever they are. I love seeing your face, but…i-it's not real! You always leave-" She bit back a sob. "I can't hold you. I can't feel you. I-" She hugged herself. "I'm trying. For his sake, but it's s-so h-hard."

She let herself cry as 'John' approached coming so close she had to lift her chin to maintain eye contact. Unable to bear it she closed her eyes. A few seconds later she felt strong arms around her pulling her to a warm body.

Her hands moving with their own mind, clutched at his shirt. Calloused fingers turned her face bringing into view eyes as pitiful as her own. John's mouth descended upon hers. His lips gently caressed her in a way she had only dreamed of. She wished this wasn't a dream. But it was. It had to be.

Wait!

Joss thought. It was so tangible. The mouth against hers was soft and warm. True living flesh. She kissed back, not understanding. He deepened the kiss. The heart beating beneath her hands was strong. It was real. This was _real_!

 _John!_

She pushed at his chest. "What- no wait! I don't understand, I don't understand.. I don't understand!" she said in a rush of frustration. She stared at him in disbelief her hands running up his arms and over his chest. "Is this real or not?" she asked through clenched teeth. Her bruised heart couldn't take a cruel joke.

"It's real Joss," John assured tugging her close again.

"I don't understand," she repeated. "How are you alive?"

"I'm not sure you'll believe it."

"Explain it to me anyway," she demanded.

He sighed resting his head against hers. He left her in suspense as he remained silent trying to form an explanation for his long absence. For his unexpected return. He had planned this moment out, but at the sight of her all those pre-laid plans vanished.

"Shaw… We rescued Finch. Got him out of the way and then I went in to finish the mission. Shaw had discovered Finch's plans and gave me the steps to take. I had no idea Shaw was going to save my life too. Instead of sending me into the main line of danger she used me as a decoy. To distract the attackers from where the real bomb was placed."

Joss blinked trying to process his words. The moment growing more real, more believable with every sentence he spoke.

He exhaled a breath as his hands framed her face. "I wasn't completely safe from the blast. I was struck on the head when it exploded, but I was far enough away to only feel the after effects."

It took several tries before Joss could voice her question. "What happened after?" Her throat was clogged with tears.

"I blacked out. I already had been shot and when Finch and Shaw found me in the ruins, I was unconscious. Near dead from the wound and the wait. When I finally did come to, a week or so later, I…" a bitter laugh escaped his lips. "I didn't remember anything."

Joss's eyes shot to his. She leaned back separating her head from his.

"I didn't remember you, Finch, I didn't even remember me."

She couldn't believe it. Why hadn't Finch contacted her? No doubt he had learned they had married. Why would he keep her from John when he needed her?

"Joss I wasn't in good shape. I had terrible terrors. I was angry and frustrated. Finch and even Shaw kept trying to help me remember. The only clue I had to my past was you." He stared at her in awe. A dazed look in his eyes as his fingers caressed her face. "Your face would often appear in my dreams. Your smile." His fingers trailed over her lips. "When I finally had a moment's peace from the nightmares I would see your face. I tried to talk about you to Finch and I knew he was hiding something. He would never come out and say who you were."

Joss's eyes danced away as she considered the reasons Finch might have withheld the truth.

"Joss the dreams of you started to come more. I started having flashes of memories. Then it all came back to me. Joss the second I remembered I confronted Finch. I told him I didn't care the risk I was going to come home to you. And he didn't fight me. I can't believe he kept me from you." His eyes darkened. He had been warring between the established trust that existed between him and Finch, and his feelings of betrayal. He just couldn't understand why Finch would put him and Joss through this. "After I saved his life. Joss how could he…"

She covered his lips with her hand stopping him. "It's over. It's over," she repeated. He blinked looking away from her to deny her words. The past months he had lived a tormenting dream and he could scarcely grasp this new reality any more than she could. "John," she hooked his chin making him face her. "It's _all_ over. We're wide awake now." He shuddered her words finally ringing in his ears as true.

Abruptly he took her to him and kissed her fiercely. Joss was startled for only a moment before she kissed him back passionately. The kiss was wild and desperate. Joss didn't even realize he had moved them until she felt her back hit the wall. Joss felt every last shred of her misery shrivel up and die and John felt a new thirst for life for the first time in nearly a year.

Neither noticed the growing whimper of a very unhappy baby until it turned into a consistent wail that broke them apart. Panting Joss's eyes immediately went to the bed before she glanced up to take in John's reaction. Although he had been breathless moments before, he now stood still staring at the bed. His ears soaking in the wail.

John watched the bed not breathing. The bundle resting on the covers shifted and a tiny fist appeared. John held tighter to Joss in a panic.

"Joss… you said-what did you mean by touchdown…," he hesitated then looked at her in fear. "Joss who's binky bear?"

Joss's shoulders fell with a breath. "Probably the reason Finch delayed our reunion." She forced herself out of his grip taking his hand. "Come with me." When he didn't follow she cupped his cheek and pressed a quick reassuring kiss to his lips. "Trust me."

John followed, his legs heavy and stiff.

With grace Joss approached the bed. John's mouth went dry as Joss bent over a wiggling baby whose eyes were shut tight as he cried.

"What's the matter baby? It's okay. I just went away for a little while." She scooped the child up rocking him gently in her arms and speaking softly to him until he settled. His eyes gazed up at her listening to her words until he calmed. "We can't have you crying and fussing when you meet your daddy now can we?" Her voice caught as she spoke. Turning her body she brought John into the baby's view.

The baby looked at John with wide fearful eyes at first. He glanced frequently at his mother to make certain this stranger could be trusted. Finally he relaxed and settled his eyes on John with curiosity instead of fear. John was powerless under his son's scrutiny. After the longest moment the baby's lips lifted in a half smile that made John all the more certain that this child indeed was his.

"Meet your son. Jameson."

John's eyes shot to Joss in surprise at the significance of the name and found her smiling back at him. Her eyes twinkled and she nodded knowingly. John swallowed. "Joss." he said brokenly.

"Hold him."

The panic returned. "No, I can't-"

She didn't let him finish as she thrust the baby in his arms. Jameson was quiet for a few seconds before he began stirring, his little face twisting into a frown.

"Joss please take him back. He doesn't like me." The words were painful to speak, but he couldn't bear seeing his son this way.

Joss remained calm. "He just doesn't like how you're _holding_ him. Relax. They can sense fear," she added as a joke.

Concentrating John forced the tension from his body, molding his arms to his son's form. The baby snuggled to his chest and a content look softened his face as he gazed up at his father in awe. This was his son. John breathed. He was perfect. The perfect piece of Joss and the perfect piece of him. Carefully John touched his little hand. Jameson's fingers curled around his finger and John had to blink back tears.

"Joss, I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I've missed so much."

"Hey. It doesn't matter. You're here now. Do you think he's going to care that you missed his birth? _He's_ not even going to remember it. All that matters is you're here now. And you'll be there for all the things that he _will_ remember. We have the rest of our lives don't we?" He looked deep into her eyes understanding why she had spoken the words as a question.

Reaching up, he trailed his fingers down her cheek. "Yes Joss. I can finally make good on my debt. The rest of my life is yours. I've hung up the suit for good."

Her chin quivered before the tears started again and she wrapped her arms around him careful of Jameson. John held his wife and son close. Feeling for the first time the taste of complete satisfaction.

 **FYI, I will leave it to you to determine the significance of Jameson's name. I had considered incorporating a back story that explained it but just couldn't find a good place to fit it.**


	7. Chapter 7

John Reese had 'died' his final 'death' for the world. He made up his mind the moment after his memory retuned and he left Finch to return to Joss. Nothing else mattered save his family and living as many days possible so he could be with them for years to come.

Only one final act remained to officially close the previous chapter in his life. The steady ring in his ears gave him pause until the expected and abrupt stop.

"Mr. Reese."

"Yes Finch. It's me."

There was an odd silence in which neither man was certain what to say. Finch was the first to break the silence.

"I.. I'm sorry. I know I owe you some sort of explanation. I shouldn't have-"

"It's okay Finch. I know why you didn't let me go back to her. It would've been too much on her. With expecting t-the b-baby."

Finch was quiet. "I'm sorry. I'm greatly indebted to you. It doesn't look like I've repaid you properly. I just was worried about Joss in her condition and you in yours," he explained still feeling like it was the least he could do. "I wasn't even sure you would live at first. I didn't want her to have to relive losing you. I couldn't bring myself to face her and withhold the truth, so I chose to remain hidden."

"I know Finch. I told you, it's okay. And I meant it."

His breath of relief carried through the phone. "How _does_ it feel? To be a father Mr. Reese?"

"Completely fulfilling." That was an understatement. He was overwhelmed at being a father. Coming back to Joss and Taylor was more than enough, but learning of Jameson's existence had been the piece that caused his happiness to overflow. "You'll have to meet him. Anyway, I'm calling for another reason."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm not sure I would've survived these years without the purpose you helped me to find. But I have a new purpose now. I hope you understand-"

"John. You really didn't think I expected you to continue working for me? You've given everything to your work. I could not in good conscience ask anything more of you. Thank you for your service." He cleared his throat. "And friendship. I trust you'll find my retirement plan satisfactory."

John chuckled. "I'm positive it will be above and beyond what I need."

"Thank you again for your exceptional service."

"This isn't goodbye Finch."

"No?"

"Of course not. You're family too." The f word came easier now. Having Joss, Taylor, and Jameson made him believe in things such as family again and it was becoming second nature to claim his own. "Joss wouldn't settle for us going our separate ways. And neither will I. We _will_ see each other again. And soon."

"Is that a subtle way of inviting me to a Sunday afternoon dinner with the family?"

"I was thinking more like you coming to visit for Thanksgiving or Christmas. And some times in between."

"I…I would like that very much."

"I'll tell Joss. We'll be in touch Finch."

The line dropped.

"John! John!"

John's eyes slipped closed and he smiled hearing his name on her lips. He promised God he would treasure hearing that voice every day for the rest of his days. He turned to see Joss coming down the steps of their new house. Jameson secure in her arms.

"Baby what are you doing out here? You haven't got the last few boxes yet?"

As she came near Jameson's arm stretched toward him. A silent hint for John to hold him. John scooped up his grinning son and placed a kiss on his soft round cheek before turning his attention to Joss. "You like the house?"

"You're kidding right? I love this house. It's perfect. And Taylor- I could swear he's living his second childhood."

At that moment Taylor chose to appear running down the stairs with a barking Bear at his side. John laughed as he watched the two. During his absence Bear had developed a serious attachment to Taylor. John was convinced his dog now preferred the boy's company to his.

"This place is awesome! I can't believe how big my room is! Think of this place at Christmas. With lots of presents under the tree. Ain't that right Jameson?" He leaned close tickling his brother's stomach and making him squeal before placing a kiss on his cheek and running to the truck to grab the few remaining boxes. Jameson tried to peer over John's shoulder curious to see where his big brother disappeared to.

"What's wrong?" Joss questioned when she noticed John watching her intently.

He shook his head momentarily at a loss for words. His eyes went from Jameson, to Taylor, to the house before returning to Joss who was still waiting for an answer. Without warning he used one arm to pull her against his chest burying his face in her hair. He felt her lean into him and he allowed his eyes to drift shut once more.

"Nothing's wrong." He tightened his hold. "Absolutely nothing."

…

Finch smiled softly as he watched John and Joss outside their new home. Once he learned they would be purchasing the property he made certain there was a working camera in the streetlight right outside. To keep a close watch on them should they ever run into trouble.

He had thought at the time of the camera's installation that he and John would be going their separate paths, but now he was relieved to know he would be seeing the family soon. That he would have some contact with his friends who no longer lived in the shadows.

Finch tapped his fingers against his desk suddenly wondering if he would be satisfied with still living in the shadows. Serving the machine, working with Reese had been his penance. His own self inflicted punishment and duty. But now thanks to John he had been given a second chance at life. Maybe it was time to really start living.

He thought of Grace. The woman he could reconnect with in seconds if he chose to.

He eyed the screen again feeling hopeful. Maybe there was a life for him too, beyond the shadows. Maybe he too could rejoin the human race and find happiness.

The corners of his mouth tilted upward.

If John Reese could do it, why couldn't he?

 **There it is, I hope this is a satisfying happy ending. And hopefully the ending you all feel John should get. I too could not bear the thought of killing Reese. So thank you to each one of you for your reviews and for sticking with this story.**


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